257 replies to my ad on craigslist

I have done it. I am not embarrassed by it. It’s cool and a little risky, too, which is also exciting. In my previous life, I posted an ad on Craigslist that said I was bored but not looking to be in a relationship. I posted the ad on Wednesday and by Sunday I had to remove it. I got more than 250 replies. I didn’t post a picture. But I did get a lot of pictures. And not just pictures of faces or private jets (yes) or puppies. Hey, why not, you got it, flaunt it, I guess. Ahem. In any case, there were so many replies that I stopped opening my messages after 50 or so. Here are a few that I’ve opened. I have removed bits that could possibly identify the repliers. Also, for the record, I do feel slightly guilty for posting these. But not guilty enough to rob you off the pleasure of sharing my Inbox with you:


I am attached and looking for some fun, NSA and discreet. NOT looking to change your situation or mine. I would very much like to see a few pictures of you and chat. I work downtown and live in the east. Im at XXX XX and XXXXXXXXX. 32, 5'10, short blonde hair, brown eyes, 220lbs in shape. I have attached my favourite pic, will send more and better pics if you reply...I hope you do. Ciao 4 now :)

Hi, my name is dennis and i am 26 5'10 175 nice body and looking for the same thing you are,i am involved with someone but looking to play on the side,i am very openminded and love to try new things, if you like you can call me 416 XXX XXXX

I'll tell you a bit about myself. I'm 6ft2 170lbs lean/reasonably fit 33 years old and married. I don't see the significant other as much as I'd like and I'm far hornier than her at any rate... So some side play is definitely in order. However, I don't plan on changing my situation so discretion's important to me. I don't have any piercings/tats I'd have dark hair, but I shave my head and wear a goatee. No pressure, no strings... Just some good times. You can always try catching me on MSN as XXXXXXXX @ yahoo. com

I would take you from behind and make you want more. I am willing and able, well built and handsome.

Heya sexy, how ya doing?? :-)
I was hoping that you might keep me in mind for the next time you want to have some fun. :-) I'm open minded, always up for a lot of fun, have a lot of stamina, and know that we would have a great time together, so write me back. :-)
I'm 6'4" tall, weigh 190 lbs, short brownish hair (turns reddish in the summer, VERY dark brown eyes (almost black), and I've got one more measurement, curious?? ;-)
[Pics of a private jet attached. Yes, "jet" as in "plane".]

So, my deal in a nutshell: I'm married, 34, a professional in a creative industry, well-read, intelligent (and actually don't suffer stupid people with grace or patience). Open-minded, but not a man-whore. I have a fairly dry, sardonic sense of humour. At risk of coming off as arrogant (I hate arrogance), I suspect you won't be too disappointed physically...I've done some small modeling gigs (no, don't look for me in the Sears catalogue), and been told I'm good-looking (by people other than those I'm related to). I'm 6'1", 200 pounds, and a still a competitive athlete.

Saw your CL post. I'm 36, married but my eyes are wondering. Do I want to change my current status? Do I want to change yours? Certainly not. So why am I doing this? Cuz, if I don't do something for myself quick, I think I might go nuts... postal.... just lose it.... anywho, so here I am.

Hi there... Saw your ad on Craigslist... I'll be staying at an airport hotel tonight so... if you're looking for a little NSA excitement... let me know.

If you'll get a chance to read this, (after syphoning thru hundreds of responses and penis pics), hello, my name is E and I'd like to apply for the multiple positions of ongoing NSA guy. References from various committed women will not be provided, but I can assure you that they were quite happy with the experience.I am older, 40, well-established, own my own home (XXXX XXXX area). Not looking for a commitment, just a little bit flirting, a little bit of kissing and possibly a nice ongoing 'black hole', a place where you can disappear for a few hours, come back happier, a little sore and a lot more mischievous or evil.

lost in translation

I would like to begin our love making at breakfast.

The fact that my husband brings me toast and coffee to bed means that we’ve already begun our foreplay.

He’s going to be sweet and loving all day and I won’t hear any complains about work or long debates about what’s important to invest in, what’s not… I don’t want him to turn on the sports channel as soon he comes home from work. In the evening, my husband will prepare the supper, complete with candles and will shower me with compliments. He will listen to what I say to him and he’ll be interested.

After the supper – and two glasses of wine – he will start by kissing the back of my neck and tickling me behind my ear. Then he will carry me to the bedroom where he will undress me slowly and gently. He will kiss me all over once I’m naked. But starting at my face! And I want him to kiss my lips long and passionately. Then he can go down on me but he can’t rush it. It has to last at least 15 minutes.

Next, he will enter me, from the front so that he can continue to kiss me and then after some time, he can turn on his back and I will sit on his penis. We well make love slowly and wonderfully and he will be kissing my breasts and telling me how much he loves me…


I would like for my wife to act like a professional whore. I want her to be vulgar, perverted, full of lust. I want her to let herself be made love to in a threesome, to be satisfied when another woman licks her, to do the same thing to the other woman. I don’t want her to get upset when I am with the other woman, who will also lick my wife while I make love to her her. I want her to yell, "F*ck me hard" and so on.

I also want to see her getting on with two men. I want her to scream with pleasure.

I want her to always be ready for sex.

I want us to do it in her office, in the garage, to have her suck my penis in the car and at in the movie theatre. I want to spray all over her face and her tits. I want her to be dressed like a slut in a mini skirt and with no panties. I want her to wear pantyhose and high heels to bed. I want us to do it while watching porn and to have her tell me that she’s imagining I am with the chick on the screen.

Finally, I want her to not be upset that I really want to be with that dumb secretary from work. I would like for them to talk to each other. Seriously.


I found this in a Polish magazine last year. I translated it but, moronically, did not write down where I saw it first. I also made small changes. I replaced the male's accounts of "fuck" with "make love," got rid of "cunt," "cock" and the account of anal sex.

oh I don't know

oh because it's Canadian
oh because it's a sound people make when they come
oh!
oh because it's a sound when you're disappointed
oh is also a sound of shock

There are a few interesting, well-written sex blogs that I read from time to time. Naturally, there are million sex blogs out there. People often start them when they have a new lover as they need a place to shout out their love to the world. Or their desires, crushes. Those blogs, they don't necessarily have to be explicit. Some blogs I've read are just poems. Some are complaints. Some praise different kinds of panties the new lover wears.

Often, as with relationships their novelty wears off.

Then they get abandoned.

All these lonely, broken-hearted blogs. {sigh}

I was browsing dirty blogs and found this:
Kinky Farm Wife

What happened there?!

food & sex

The limbic system is responsbile for regulation of basic needs such as hunger or thirst and primal activities related to sex and emotions. So, while eating keeps us living, fucking... well, it's what got us here in the first place.

Named after Aphrodite, the Greek mythology's goddess of love, fertility and beauty, aphrodisciacs are a little bit of a myth as well. There have been no conclusive studies done to confirm their influence on sexual performance. Since 1989 it's been illegal to use the word "aphrodisiac" for over-the-counter potions. Researches suggest aphrodisiacs word because we believe they do.

Here are some aphrodisiac facts:

Ancient aphrodisiac list included turnips, lizard flesh and river snails but also arugula, orchid bulbs and pistachio nuts.

Casanova fed his conquests oysters to hone their arousal. Oysters contain lots of zinc, which is reponsible for testosterone production.

Greeks & Romans gorged on delicious snacks before fucking.

Chinese women sprinkled nutmeg on themselves as an aphrodisiac.

Known as "love apple," ( after the French name, pomme d'amour) tomato was once sought-after libido booster. Allegedly, having observed the tomato-loving Catholics drowning in endless offspring, Puritans deemed the lusty fruit "poisonous". Tomato effectively disappeared from the British diet.

-rephrased from my old fit to be tied column for the Nutrition 2006 issue of Oxygen magazine

facebook sex groups to join

ADDICTED TO: SEX, SHOPPING AND DANCING
description: If you're a girl that loves to shop, likes to dance at clubs, ejoys sex and likes to share things with other people without judgement... this group is for you :-)

(omg omg omg!)

addected to sex
description: I like to have sex or, cant stop thinking about sex

(hey, addected to sex has 333 members! What a bunch of addects...)

Dude! Sex is underrated!
no description

(dude like totally!)


IF THIS GROUP GETS 10,000,000 PEOPLE MY BF WILL HAVE SEX WITH A COW
description: ok people just get as many people as possible...lets get this partayyyy started...

(so far 57 members)

Its just sex
no description

(and its furowed brow... I'm not a poet but I am really inspired right now.)

No more bad sex
For all those people out there, who have had to deal with bad lovers.

(their tag is: bad sex sucks.)

People trying to get a sex buddy(s) in Brampton, ON

(two members so far... )

Sex in the Hummer
description: Hummer Riding - too kewl to be publiclized/ not for those shitheads who wants to hav sex in a car/an inside joke that pathetic people would be unknown to

(five very exclusive members, you pathetic person)

YoU kNoW the SEX was good wHen Sh*% GeTs BrOkEn
this group is for all you people who are busy fixing your furniture/ picking up pieces of objects all around your house.

Only SERIOUS fuck buddies in Toronto wanted
description: If you are a woman who wants to find a sexy male (or woman) for great casual sex in the GTA..this group is for you. If you are married, engaged, involved, single or whatever then join us. Please keep in mind..only those SERIOUS about meeting someone need apply.

(SERIOUS)

Abstinate from Marriage until Sex
description: This group is for those who are choosing not to get married until they have sex with their significant other. This group welcomes all virgins, singles and hideously deformed people to chat about their experiences. Please feel free to express yourself, and to comment freely about the life path you have chosen. If your significant other is a pain and the ass and won't put out, then, by all means, let us lend a shoulder for you to seek homage on.

(How about Abstinate Addects?)

and one more (I'm getting bored now), to conclude:

Addicted to Sex, Chapstick, and Texting
description: Are you addicted to sex, chapstick, and texting. Are these 3 things you just cant live with out?

i'm in love

I’m seeking a like-minded woman with whom to share a disastrous 3 to 9 - 29

Reply to: pers-424614144@craigslist.orgDate: 2007-09-17, 10:51AM

I’m seeking a like-minded woman with whom to share a disastrous 3 to 9 month relationship, ending in acrimony, emotional chaos, and possibly legal proceedings. My name is Dave. I’m 29 years old, fairly well educated, and I hold down a good job and am pretty stable. I’m told I’m fairly good looking, but I’ll let you be the judge of that. I’m generally caring and very honest.

I am looking for an attractive female who will at first give me obsessive love, praise, and devotion - but whose paranoia, self-loathing, and fear of rejection and abandonment will eventually lead her to alternately push me away and pull me closer in a love/hate cycle that will lead to infidelity, consensual sexual violence, and the inevitable emotional breakdown of one or the other party - or, if we’re lucky, both! You should: be 25 to 35 years old; have a history of short, intense, drama-driven relationships; enjoy degrading and dehumanizing sex; have undergone negative psychiatric evaluations in the past; and be willing to threaten self-harm and/or annihilation as a weapon to control your partner and make them stay with you and care for you.

Although not completely necessary, I would prefer women:
with nice smiles; who have larger than average breasts; who are married or already in unstable relationships; who drink to forget; and who have had a previous established diagnosis of borderline or dependent personality disorder or bipolar affective disorder - or who are currently taking lithium carbonate, SSRIs, or tricyclic antidepressants. If you think you meet these requirements (and wow, I’m getting excited just writing them!), please don’t hesitate to get back to me as soon as possible. In the meantime, thank you for reading my advert, and do take care. All the best

Location: Toronto
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

the premiere dating site for sugar mommies, daddies, babies

There are some respectable women out there who sleep with nice, wealthy gentleman in exchange for financial help. These women would never call themselves escorts, God forbid they would call themselves that. They would call themselves something else. Independent, perhaps. Clever. Modern...

(There are many women out there, too, who fuck to marry nice, wealthy gentleman, purely for materialistic reasons. This is not a novel concept. It's been around for centuries. It may sound offensive to suggest women do this in the current... post-feminist (?) age, but they do. This time around, it's not their father who arranges such settlements, but they do it themselves. This happens if the gentleman isn't married already, of course. If he is, well, then you just make an arrangement.)

There's a website for making money-for-sex arrangements that is NOT an escort service (it is NOT, you hear me!). It's called SeekingArrangement and it's, "the premier Sugar Daddy Dating site. We are a matchmaking website for wealthy benefactors, and attractive guys & gals."

The founder of this (NOT an escort service) website is bluntly nonsentimental about why his venture works: "Wealth and sexual attraction are two very strong motivating factors," says Brandon Wade, the webmaster of SeekingArrangement.com. "While other mainstream dating websites are plagued with serial online daters who are often players, our members know exactly what they want." (from press release: http://www.prweb.com/releases/2007/4/prweb517866.htm)

They want pretty pussy to pay for.

women lie too

Do you remember that joke about the percentage of guys who masturbate? Ninety-nine percent masturbate and one percent lies that they don't?

I have no statistics on how many women have, at some point, suffered from some form of a body-image issue, but I am going to guess the percentages may be similar. The split isn’t. I’d guess 10 percent have body-image issues, 80 percent lies about it. The ones who have these issues will tell you upfront, "No pizza for me, I’m trying to lose 56 pounds."

The 80 percent will order pizza, smile hard and then try even harder not to think about the gym first thing in the morning.

The remaining 10 percent are women who have miraculously never in their lives uttered the words, "Do you think these jeans make me look fat?" (If you are one or know of one, please email me: mailto:editors@ohmagazine.ca)

By some form of a body-image issue I mean dieting. Being a vegetarian. Becoming allergic to cheese in late teens. Avoiding carbs. Becoming bulimic and anorexic, too, but these are your traditional eating disorders, others are often considered nutritional adjustments.

It’s the lying that is the most disturbing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m sure it was your naturopath or your love of grain that made you cross out food groups from the chart on your plate. It was a palm reader or a Chinese medicine specialist who told you that you should live on salad alone. You’re an animal-rights activist and meat is murder. You were getting pimples all over your forehead – you just had to stop eating bread.

No, of course not, it has nothing to do with the fact that you think you may be too fat.

Then there are the noble athletic pursuits. Many are considered good for you, such as frequent marathon runs. I have friends who run marathons. They love getting ready for them. They love the challenge. I don’t think their stuff is about body image, necessarily. Genuine athletic pursuits are great.

But I do know of women who run even when they’re blind with pain, who puke after overexerting themselves on the treadmill, who swim 250 laps between classes. Women who stick fingers down their throat after lunch and run 40 flights of stairs. They, too, claim to love physical activity.

I would venture to say that any physical activity that is continuous and manic is a form of an exercise bulimia. By this I mean more than six hours at the gym doing intensive cardio or obsessive weight training. I think you are seriously worried about your body if you are there for more than six hours. Unless you are an Olympic athlete or a fitness professional and truly enjoy going to the gym and stretching – and by truly I mean as truly as you enjoy eating chocolate cake – then I think you’re at the gym because worried about your weight.

Everyone knows the argument about influence of media, etc. on our body image and tragic outcomes of too much dieting, exercising and such. Everyone knows skinny is a big, fat problem. I'd say we fight it by being honest about it to ourselves first. Let me start: my body image is completely warped. I haven't eaten a chocolate cake without having to think about out in years. Some days I think I'm too fat.