are penises a joke?

Are penises a joke? I'm not meaning to ask a silly question. But really are they?

I was youtubing one night and I came across the Dove Onslaught video, where the camera zooms in on a young re-haired girl, that I'd guess she's around 5 or 6 years old. Then an "onslaught" of images zip by of women in iridescent bikinis, sticky-glossed lips, tight bodies arranged with legs jarring out of the pictures and hips that gyrate like only a Victoria Secret model could. I understand that the "commercial" was meant to portray the unrealistic expectations of beauty. (Isn't that what all their ads are selling?) But the concept really made me think: What was my exposure to male sexuality in our media and culture? Here's a random list of the public and not so public images I saw.

Before the age of email forwards or funwall posts, people passed around photocopies of jokes. One I recall was two pages stapled together, and on the top sheet was a black square that read: rub here. Flip the page and there was an old man pitching a tent. Sexy... not really.

At a friend of the family's house, they had a knickknack that was a man in a barrel. When you lift the barrel up, his member just pointed up to his stupid smile. I'm sure it was a joke?!

Nude male playing cards: I can't remember why or how I got my hands on them, but I played Crazy Eights with them. All of the men were lying down, with one hand placed behind their head. Just laying there in a silly position that awkwardly implied the card holder had the next move... The sad part is I can't imagine a Chippindale model bragging that he was the Joker or Queen of the deck.

Any nude male modelling. Remember a nekkid Burt Reynolds in Cosmopolitan magazine? While the Pam Andersons and the Jenny McCarthys hook up with rockers and actors, the poor sap on the cover of an old Playgirl probably works in construction still enjoys candle-lit dinners.

Any Viagra or Cialis commercial or ad....

When I was 11, a friend's older asked me "out" - we were exclusive. One day he and his friend decided to flash me. The jumped out of no where and dropped their pants and couldn't stop laughing. We broke up.

- Lisa H.

a crush that isn't there yet

A friend was telling me about not having crush on a guy yet... but feeling like she could/would have a crush on him soon. She said it was like an invisible wire, this no-crush-crush. She said an actual genuine crush is a wire: it's there, it's obvious -- at least to one person -- and it makes things strung and awkward, interestingly tense. Much like a wire. A no-crush-crush is ridiculous. It may be there, neither party knows for sure... but there is something. A pre-tension, a vibration in the air.

I learn love from COSMO

I bought an issue of COSMOPOLITAN magazine yesterday. The reason why I bought it -- other than the article about the future of performance art and the three-part series on how Fallujah Battle May Carry Heavy Political Price for Iraqi Government -- was because of this coverline:

WHY YOU SHOULD BE A JEALOUS BITCH!

Here are some highlights from that particular article:

"[...], but it is okay to casually point out specific things that irk you -- like when a friend flirts with him or he repeatedly brings up a female coworker you distrust.
Just keep the comments directed at the chick's behaviour so you don't seem like you're trying to control him. Examples: 'I don't like the way she was hanging all over you' or "Could she show any more cleveage?'"

Nice.

The same issue also offers these tips:

From the article "Get a Conversation Rolling"

Before a social event, peruse the news and check out the daily Conversation Starter at cosmopolitan.com so you'll have fascinating things to talk about (just skip the heavy issues).

From "Get to Know the Inner You"

Consider: Who is your fave female celeb and why? She may possess qualities you hope to cultivate in yourself.

From "I Catch Cheaters for a Living" sidebar "Cheat-Proof Your Relationship"

Suggest getting together with his female friend or coworker if he seems to mention her a lot. The woman in question will be less likely to move in on your man if she knows (and likes) you.

museum of broken relationships!

http://www.brokenships.com/sto_je_mobr.php

libido loss

Was going to go to the Toronto's Everything About Sex convention this weekend but after clicking on "highlights" I lost any desire to do so. There was no way I was going to pay $20 for this even if I went... ironically? Ugh. It looked campy, sad, unsexy. Lots of people in the audience sported mullets. Not ironically.

let's not talk about sex

There’s a club on Queen Street West called club Wicked. I read some reviews of the place when it first opened and – as perhaps expected – the reviews described a cheesy, painfully lets-have-fun-fun atmosphere, and an overall snickering vibe that wasn’t exactly sexy.

Allegedly, first timers have to fill out a form and are given a tour of the place. There’s the packed main room where things are usually nervous or, alternatively, nervously exhibitionistic. Upon your first visit, if the Wicked hosts declare that you’re hot stuff, you get a $60 membership to the special area where you can hook up. There's PVC, zippers and bad hair.

I’ve never been. I probably won’t go. It sounds awful. It sounds as if the only appropriate reaction is looking away.

But I’ve been to other places that most people would consider cheesy or giggle-making. I’ve chuckled too. I’m sure I got chuckled at. Once, in one of those places, I saw an old prof. He was wearing a skirt. I was wearing probably not much. We got over it quickly then and had a nice chat. I never went back to that club. I was too mortified. But I used the story to combat the funny-shit-that-happened-to-me anecdotes at parties. Perhaps by making fun, it relieved me from feeling guilty, silly, er, sexual?

Part of me thought that going to one of those places was somewhat embarrassing. It was stupid. What’s next? Club Wicked? The Everything About Sex convention? The point is that I don’t really know why, often, my own reaction has been embarrassment, giggles and eye-rolling. I don’t even know if I really was into that stuff (fetish) or if I used to go merely as an anthropologist. All I know is that I wold never casually mention what I used to do on weekends, back then. See, I think with talking about sex, there are three ways: ignoring it, overdoing it or overgiggling.

On the other hand, it’s always okay to endlessly yammer on about cottages, bad customer service at the Gap, yoga and shoes, IKEA and where to have yummiest lunches. It's okay to discuss RRSPs, Cuba, kittens and outfits.

"Looove your belt!"
"Twenty-percent off at the Gap."
"And how is Timmy?"
"Oh, he's finally opening up to the idea of masturbating in front of me."

Talking about sex is like dealing with a worrisome, drunken uncle at the Thanksgiving dinner. You only have these options: Kick him out, laugh at him or just pretend he’s not really peeing in your pansies.

should I stay or should I go

When is a good time to leave your lover?

Ally :
If you catch him "having relations" with a gerbil. That's kind of a huge sign and you should probably leave. ASAP. Like yesterday.

Leanne:
When they tell you to put on bug spray so you don't get West Nile because "I'm not gonna push you around in a wheelchair." That, or when you find parking tickets with the address of a friend's house on them dated to 5 a.m.

Joshua:
When they say they don’t love you any more, and you laugh because you think it’s one of their jokes, but actually they're being serious...and you start crying and then they start hitting you. when that exact sequence of events occurs it is a strong indication.


Bunmi:
When you have nothing to say to each other and you just don't laugh any more. And when you feel like you are just dragging each other down... down... down...

Krista:
When the pain of staying with them is greater than the pain of leaving. Or when you know in your heart of hearts that you're no longer in love with them and chances are that will never be rekindled.

Brian:
A good sign is when they ask you to make room in the closet for their new partner's stuff...